Body Diversity and Oh, I Broke my Back!

Body and Diversity. Two words we see smattered across headlines in the news or magazines in our mailboxes. They make their way into our minds as our peers or family members discuss what it means to be diverse, or if lack of diversity really is even a problem. Or how one's body looks, feels, or changes. It's part of American culture to talk about other people, especially when they are different and it makes others feel threatened or uncomfortable in their own skin. And the most ironic thing is that everyone is different, and yet we still can share some similarities. Each person is created to be unique. We are a diverse nation. So when you pair together the words body and diversity in American society, you get a populous whom are vastly different and yet try to identify and justify which characteristics are defined as most desirable. And who determines these standards, might you ask?

When it comes to how people's physical appearance differ, three overarching identifiers come to mind which are used to judge a person's physical worth. Those "categories" include race, bodyweight and physical health/well-being. These are the things, features or behaviors we can see with our own two eyes. They shape how we perceive new people without having to get to know them. We base our first impressions off of appearance. As a part of the Western world, some characteristics are found more advantageous than others.

The first word I mentioned which ties into body diversity is one's race. This incorporates an individual's physical characteristics which other people can observe on the surface such as skin color. In consideration of the political and social climate in American society, racism is both pervasive in our society and entrenched in our belief systems whether we like to admit it or not. It can occur on micro and macro scales, but the crazy thing is we are conditioned to believe we don't judge people based upon our differences. But it is in our nature to associate with people who we can relate to, and we compare our differences with those who don't look like us. Because we are diverse. All physical bodies are diverse.

The second one also is tied closely to American beauty standards. Westernized beauty standards infiltrate what media, clothing, and products are available and popular. For instance, most models in America are rail thin, white and tall; therefore, makeup ambassadors often are white female models or celebrities. Clothing brands are sponsored by celebrities like Lauren Conrad, Jessica Simpson, etc. And sometimes you will see different campaigns featuring plus-sized models or perhaps women of color, but it is rare to see a combination that of a plus-sized women of color in popular sponsorship deal.

I'm 5'8" and 185 lbs with a mixed racial background, but I appear on the outside as caucasian. I have a hard time finding influential women in media who look like me. I cannot imagine living in America and looking even more diverse from what is presented in media on a racial or weight level. The worst part is that it makes you feel like you can't fit into what people define as 'beautiful'. Anyone who is different is coined as 'exotic' or 'heavyweight' or perceived as breaking a social norm. When the reality is there are far more people who weight over 200 lbs and are not white in America than there are white, size 00 models.

The final area is something which gets lost along the way. People use technology, especially millennials, to create a new platform of self-expression and appreciation of diversity. It still does not direct the change that needs to happen in television roles, grammy nominations and store advertisements and in the conversations around dinner tables across America about body diversity.

But what about people who have physical disabilities or illnesses? What about mental illness or other developmental disorders?

Where do they fit in the scheme of body diversity? I think that is one of the hardest questions to ask because it is deemed as a body deficiency. Not only are these people different (just like everybody else), but society acts as though the individual lacks something in addition to being different. Which equates to being less than. The only time you see people with physical disabilities is in commercials looking to gain awareness for cerebral palsy, multiple sclerosis. People who have depression or anxiety disorders only witness pharmaceutical advertisements which all feature the same cookie-cutter families and backgrounds. I wonder why people who have autism or someone who has Crohn's disease aren't celebrated for their differences or don't get the same features/attention in media for who they are.

I don't feel as though it's my place to speak on the behalf of a person's experience I have not lived. But I do think it's my job to use my voice and platform to at least raise awareness of these issues. To be honest, I don't think I spent enough time to even think about how much pressure America society puts on body image until this year: this includes beauty, physical capabilities and even mental or cognitive issues which affect a person's body or appearance. I do have some of my own experiences within these categories. I do identify as white, so the race portion of this post is not something I have any personal experience to expand on. In regards to bodyweight I do have some areas I can relate to such as being a size 10/12 with a pale complexion and flat butt. Haha

The final area I discussed is harder for me to identify with because most of my "differences" from what's perceived as normal or right are not easily identifiable from the surface. For most of my life I've dealt with a range of anxiety. I missed almost two years of school due to severe social anxiety in third and fourth grade. I still struggle with other forms of anxiety, but it's manageable now that I know how to do my breathing exercises! But it's what others might identify as a limitation to living a normal, preferable lifestyle.

In the area of physical performance, I've always been pretty active, but recently that changed. Almost four years ago I started to notice some nerve pain in my leg. I didn't really know what the heck it was so I stretched it out and called it good. For about two years I sporadically went to get treatment from my dad who is a physical therapist. He wasn't sure either what was the problem, and I still could function normally. I thought maybe I had an IT-band issue or something with my sciatic nerve. But anyways, mentally I had moved on and a lot of people dismissed my pain. Not in a mean way mostly because it was just hard to figure what was wrong. I avoided talking about how much pain it started to cause me because I didn't want to complain anymore. I felt weak.

Fast forward to last summer where I worked like 50 hours a week and always on my feet in a kitchen. My back and leg pain progressively got worse. I still did my stretches and more treatment at my dad's work. Nothing helped. I was so nervous to go to Italy that coming fall because I knew my back/leg were going to cause some issues. But once again, it wasn't a physical issue one could observe from the outside. I seemed okay. I was a strong, young healthy person. Somehow, I made it through three-and-a-half months in Italy without too much problems. I obviously knew I had to be careful, and I tried my best to always drive in the car with something behind my back.

I go on my merry way back to school in January. I'm working out this point at around five times a week. I'm running three to five miles, and on top of that doing circuit training. For the first time in a long time my body feels stronger than it ever has. But again, with that came some physical restraints and some modified work out moves. I still had a gut feeling that something was wrong, and I was right. At the end of January I went in for an X-Ray which I saw from the corner of my eye as I left the office. I knew something didn't look right, but then again I wasn't a technician so I went about my normal schedule. This lead to a phone call that I had something wrong with one of my discs and something called a congenital anomaly. I asked for a follow up MRI just because I felt like that wasn't the whole picture.

I was sitting in the cafeteria when I got the phone call from a neurologist who got the results from my MRI and I stepped out of the room so I could hear what he had to say. It was such a strange phone call because he didn't sound overly concerned, but nonchalantly mentioned I not only had a herniated (later to find out it actually tore through 2 cm) disc in one spot, but I also had two other "problem spots". I set up a following appointment when I got home for a school break. In the meantime, I waited. I felt just fine. About the same I had felt before, but it was a huge validation to know that SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. Even the doctor said so. I had proof I wasn't imagining it. That I wasn't just complaining.

I went home for spring break feeling hopeful and excited to get some time off from school. Little did I know that it was about to be the worst week and later month of my life. I had been home for maybe three days when I realized something wasn't right. Before I knew it, I was in bed with so much pain. I could hardly walk up and go to the bathroom. A shower was out of the question. I coudn't sleep I was in so much pain. I ate pretzels in bed just so that I could stomach some more pain relievers as I read disheartening posts about other people with similar problems. At first, I thought I'd make it back to school at the end of break. Once I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't getting any better, I thought I wouldn't find a solution. Amidst sending countless emails to my professors, I talked with my parents about the next steps. It was so funny because my parents were trying to fit me in somewhere for a steroid shot. When we called, I had it on speaker phone and the guy misinterpreted what we thought was supposed to be an injection appointment for a surgery operation! My heart nearly stopped. I was shocked and silently mouthed to my parents, "Wait, WHAT, surgery????"

Based upon my symptoms, they thought a surgery was needed. At the time I thought they were crazy. My parents and I agreed the more conservative approach was necessary because we still didn't know what exactly was wrong. I had to cancel my follow-up appointment with the neurologist because I was in so much pain and stuck in bed.

So, low and behold I show up by some miracle a few weeks later at my appointment for a consultation and for a potential injection. The doctor told me my L4/L5 disc tore through and that two of my other discs were bulged as well. Great. Good to know, thanks, Doc. But wait. He says he thinks surgery is inevitable. In my head, I was thinking okay, buddy. I just found out all of this stuff and you want me to get surgery???? So we decided to hold off and get the injection.

I knew surgery was probably going to happen, but it did take me another meeting with another specialist to realize just how bad it was. It made no sense because I was so young. But I got to the next doctor, and the injection worked a little bit, but I was still in terrible pain and could hardly stay upright for more than a few minutes. He says I can come in for surgery the NEXT DAY. Keep in mind, friends, I thought surgery wouldn't even fix the problem based upon what Web.md said. Haha. I'm ridiculous. But also, all of this happened within a span of three weeks, not even.

So we agree that I should get surgery. It ended being the right decision for me. Most people have an athletic injury or an accident and get a bulged or torn disc. I had done nothing, but lived with the increasingly worse pain for almost four years. I guess surgery was long awaited.

This is a long-winded explanation, but I do have to say I think it's necessary to share. I'm twenty-one years old and have lived with chronic pain for 1/5 of my life!!! I missed a month of school and somehow managed to still finish all my classes after returning to school two weeks after surgery. That's insane. But from the outside, one might guess I'm a healthy and more than physically capable. The truth is I have my physical "limitations", but I don't ever want that to define me as being less of a person. I am strong. I am empowered by my lived experience because it gives me a chance to share my story.

This is for the people who go through silent struggles of thinking their body isn't enough. All bodies are able to do something, and all bodies are unique. We are diverse. Diversity brings strength through difference and through similarity, through pain and through judgment. I think body diversity makes us stronger because although we each have our own area of difference, there is also an area where you can share and grow with others. It allows for the opportunity of the celebration of race, body weight, the seen and unseen things which shape how our bodies function through the good and the bad. And I see that as being the most beautiful things about our physical bodies.

Society may keep it etched in our minds that these are as things to hide or be ashamed, but the reality is quite the opposite. Vulnerability brings more strength and encouragement to others. It is more powerful than any T.V. show, beauty campaign, runway model... And it makes you, you.