What's Next?

The evidence for time moving by quickly is conveniently measured by the length of my hair. I knew the semester was flying by because my once-shaved head went from being perpetually cold to in a constant state of disarray. Like bedhead, but worse. It hardly does what I want anymore, so I have resulted to beanies. Plenty of beanies.

So yes, three weeks flew past me like the cold Minnesotan 405 mph winds. But it's not the past semester that feels so distant, it's the last two years! I hate being one of those people to tell you, "Yes, college does in fact go by very quickly." So what I will tell you is that you will be incredibly surprised by just how much a person changes in their early twenties whether they are working full-time or going to school or pursuing other things. It's mostly because it's a time where the world tells us we need to get a job. Find a partner. And make a CRAP TON OF MONEY. Okay, more like just be able to pay rent and afford a cell-phone. The outside pressures are infinite. But the internal pressures we face on the daily are almost as overwhelming. We are changing beings, and as a result, our outside decisions become that much harder. I personally keep reconciling with the changes I've gone through and how those are leading me to different places than I anticipated once I first got to school.

This may sound simple, but it's difficult to face your own self. And to realize you don't look like who "you wanted to be". It's inevitable. There's always something. Going into college I wanted a boyfriend, to run a half-marathon, speak a different language fluently, act as much as possible, be incredibly fit, and make a lot of friends. Easy, right? Granted those are all surface level things, and I know there were deeper things I was working through. In retrospect, I didn't know how much more complicated my view on the world/myself/others would become. In some ways though it all became more clear.

One of the hardest realizations is that 20-something year-old Americans are selfish as hell. Don't try and argue with me on this one because then I'd have to remind you of the number of Jane the Virgin, The Office, and Great British Baking Show episodes you watched in the past week. It's okay, I'm right there with you. I'm tempted to watch my third Paul Rudd movie of the day. But then I'd be avoiding the truth--I'm ready to start caring about someone else and stop numbing my feelings with excessive amounts of ice cream and adorable actors!!! So maybe facing ourselves means first, being vulnerable to the fact that you mess up/change/disappoint/do unnecessary things/etc. And once you do that, you are more equipped to know what you need from others and also, what you can do for them too! Reciprocity! I genuinely think self-care is great because it makes us more pleasant humans to be around.

I'm not quite sure what I'm getting at anymore. It's been a while since I forced myself to publicly share my thoughts. Also, I stopped halfway through writing this and got out of the flow. Hmm...ah yes, what's next for me?

I obviously need a job. I'm seriously loving life right now other than the fact that I don't know what is next and I always know that. School is usually next. But, this semester as I spend endless hours carving spoons in class and my free time (fyi for my woodenware class)... I keep thinking about how structure has been my saving grace throughout the years. Plus school is a safe, comfortable space for me. I know what to expect. So now that I don't know what to expect and I have lots of time to think about the meaning of life...I realize just how terrified I am of getting locked into this routine of life defined by jobs we hate and co-workers we don't jive with. ANYONE ELSE?

For the most part, what's next is the underwhelming answer of "anything but tedious homework assignments and bag lunches". I guess I could do you the honor of sharing the inner-workings of my brain and let you know just what exactly I want to do after leaving St. Olaf...but maybe I'll leave that for another day.

In the meantime,, I shall leave you with a list of things I've realized in my final semester at school.

1) Doing things on your own is empowering. I recently made a very last-minute decision (like an hour before the show) to go to a concert in the cities on my own. And I had a blast. Little awkward, but yooooo I went out of my way to do something for myself. The good kind of self-focused activities--one where it challenges you and isn't necessarily lazy/passive/comfortable.

1.5) I think I want to be in a band. Maybe play bass guitar. Anyone looking for a new band member???

2) Support the people around you. Make them food, give them shout outs, buy their art, give them rides, listen to them.

3) Bloating is normal. But also, listen to your body when your extra sensitive to some foods and/or beverages.

4) Never apologize for crying!!!!! I'm working on that myself, but seriously. Why do we feel the need to apologize for expressing our emotions through salty droplets of water coming from our eyes?!

5) Peanut butter and sweet potatoes. Not together obvi, but think about how "important" those things are to our lives (qtd. @marpatkus 2019).

Peace + Blessings,

Sarah